Highs & Lows
I couldn't even count how many times I've been in a public place holding back tears. You know the feeling - you suck those tears up until you have a lump sitting where (I assume) your thyroid would be. I did that tonight. Well, by the time I decide to share this, It would have been last night or a few nights ago. It wasn’t a bad night at work. I actually had really friendly people sit at the bar. One of our regulars told me the reason he kept coming in was because he would see my beautiful face and I brought him so much joy. Is your heart melting yet? Another woman told me that I "resembled a French model" (lol). I mean if your heart isn’t in a puddle on the floor right now just wait. I had some great conversations! I also met a girl with a tattoo that read “unfailing” going lengthwise near her bicep. I thought she was super cute, about my age and really genuine. I made her an iced matcha latte with whole milk, for here. We chatted for a minute about her tattoo, when she shared that it meant *God’s unfailing love. She sat at the end of the bar for a while, sipping at her latte here and there. I think I might've been in the bathroom when she finally decided to get up and leave. I saw her later on outside with a cute couple, her camera in her left hand and I was stuck behind a bar - polishing glasses. I work in Winter Park, so there’s always people walking around taking pictures. I never really think twice about it. I’m not sure what it was, maybe because we kind of resembled one another. Or maybe it was the fact that I feel like I’m not doing enough. For those of you who don’t know, photography was a passion of mine for a long time. It was something I was actively pursing and then all of a sudden I wasn’t.
I was affected. It hit me. I can’t even tell you WHAT hit me. Sadness, disappointment, anger, jealousy? I DON’T KNOW. Which is why I immediately went to punching the letters on my keyboard instead of trying to fit a million different emotions into a few simple spoken words. But it wasn’t in the moment that I saw this girl snapping pictures. I think it was when I was polishing my 6th 24 count of beer & wine glasses that night. Or maybe it was on my knees, emptying a water bottle full of the captured, unwanted beer that was overflown from a few messy pours by yours truly. I felt the tears coming while we were closing up. I kept telling myself, “just wait. you have a 20 minute car ride home. not yet.” But as my pointer finger punched the words “clock out” on the toast system, my eyes were soon drowning in the tears not yet fallen onto my skin. This made It hard to find my car in the parking lot.
I found my car, don't worry - hopped in my driver’s seat, shut the door and just let the tears fall where they might. I didn’t even look around to see if there were people sitting in the cars parked on either side of me. I immediately rolled my windows down, put on “highs and lows” by Hillsong young & free and turned it up as loud as it could go. I got to a red light a few miles down the road where a car stopped to the right side of me. I saw them inch up until our windows met at a parallel line. I gently heard “excuse me”. As I looked over with tears streaming down my cheeks, a young woman had her hand up trying to get my attention. My hands moved to where the volume control sits on the steering wheel of my Honda. As the music reached zero, she sweetly asked, “what song are you listening to”?
After sharing the name, she then added, “Beautiful. Let the Lord speak to you, baby.” AND THATS A MOOD. BYE. just kidding.. I’ll continue.
She rolled her window up with a soft smile on her face. I just started ugly crying. Like so ugly I couldn’t even open my eyes. Hoping she wasn’t still looking my way, the light turned green. She drove off ahead of me in a little black car, her left tail light was out.
After I cried out all my tears and spent my drive home with Jesus, I woke up feeling great the next day. Went to work with a smile on my face and had a good night. God wants you to put all of your burden and brokenness on Him. He desires a deep relationship with us. Sometimes you can't get the words out and express how you feel and thats OKAY, Christ already knows exactly what you need. It is okay to sit in His stillness and cry your eyes out without saying a single word. Whatever it is that you’re facing - let the Lord speak to you. If you feel like you can’t do it on your own, give it to God. Cause you can accomplish far greater with Him than anything you chase after on your own. Fear is a damn liar.